Good evening world, it’s been raining all day and it’s pretty depressing, but maybe this could help.
There are only three things which I’m ashamed to tell people I dislike, every other piece of English that comes out of my mouth I’m proud of…mostly.
Okay, the first thing that I dislike is running. That’s right, I detest it, and it’s not because I can’t do it, I can. No, there are a few different reasons I don’t like it – firstly, I find it unacceptably boring. I’ll explain further, I love walking, it’s great, a chance to chill and burn a few calories all at once. You get to take in your surroundings fully when you walk, maybe strike up a conversation or just enjoy it to yourself – walking is great. Running is not like walking however, you don’t get a chance to chill as your heart rate increases and you begin to reek of body odour, there’s no time to strike up a proper conversation as you’re concentrating and rather obviously, the faster you’re going the harder it is to take in your surroundings. The second reason I hate running is because I just don’t see the point. Okay, I get team sports, I’m a massive fan of sports that involve running and I’m not against that, but long-distance running can do one. Humans can only run for two reasons, to get to something quickly or, to get away from something quickly. I’m sorry to say this, but no part of the entire evolutionary process has prepared your body to run 26 miles, you fucking psychopath. The third reason I hate running is the way people react to me saying I don’t enjoy it, I just can’t stand their reactions, so I hate it more.
Isn’t it bizarre that humans can’t come up with a better challenge than to run 26 miles? Any time I hear someone say they’re doing a marathon I can’t help thinking, ‘how original’ and I think that’s justified to be honest, what do you want praise for? You don’t have to do that, you really don’t have to run at all. In fact, I’d be willing to argue that your life would be better if you didn’t force yourself to run for, at the very least, 150 minutes. People should really be more original with their ideas, they might get more attention.
The second thing I’m ashamed to tell people I don’t like is reading. Yes I hate reading, in fact, I’ve honestly never read a full book. See, that’s the thing, it’s not that I hate reading, so much as I hate reading books. I read all the fucking time, I never stop reading, in fact. If I’m not reading the news, I’m texting, if I’m not texting then I’m definitely googling something and I can’t watch anything without subtitles – see, I never stop reading. I actually enjoy reading generally, because I love learning, I actually love gaining knowledge and this is reflected in my reading habits. Whilst I do enjoy delving into something every once in a while, I more so enjoy learning lots of different things. It would bore me if I was limited to one topic, I’ve written 1,000 words for 24 days straight now and they’ve, mostly, all been about different topics. I just can’t commit to learning about one thing in great depth, any time I have I’ve found myself feeling at such a disadvantage. I think knowing and understanding current affairs is much more beneficial, I value knowing how current affairs affect me and gradually, the more you follow and learn about current affairs, the more your understanding grows of them.
The third and final thing I’m ashamed to tell people is that I hate Mass, it’s actually just ridiculously boring if we’re being honest. In fact, on that note, I’m not even ashamed of it, Mass is boring and I hate it.
Holy shit, I have hit a brick wall and I now have no idea what to write about. The previous thought has been exhausted in my head, I’ve no more to say on that, now what? I mean seriously what the fuck do I write about? Okay, why is Jim Allister the most important person in Stormont? Well, let me explain, Jim Allister, for those that don’t know, is the leader of the TUV (Traditional Unionist Voice), it may as well be his party in fact. The vast majority of people hate Jim Allister because he’s far right, doesn’t believe in Stormont and often shouts over people. His views make most heads hurt but I get him, at least I get his use. Me and my mate, Donal, have always harboured a quiet appreciation for Jim.You see, he is Stormont’s pit bull, because he gets elected no matter what  and because he IS the TUV, it gives him the freedom to hold others accountable. He has no friends in the assembly, he sits by himself and he doesn’t give a fuck if you disagree with him. Truth be told, Jim Allister was a fairly successful barrister and that comes across in his mannerisms. The TUV can be grouped with People Before Profit and the Greens, as smaller parties in the assembly and smaller parties are, traditionally, treated pretty poorly by the Executive in Northern Ireland. This is simply because the Executive is made up of the larger parties, they make the timetables and it benefits them to exclude and silence the smaller parties, because smaller parties only ever spend time criticising larger ones. This is where Jim comes in, see, if we’re being honest here, and this is no disrespect to Claire Bailey, but can we trust the Greens to really stick it to the Executive? Probably not, unfortunately, but never fret because Jim’ll fix it. Sorry, inappropriate. The truth is though, the smaller parties tend to struggle for a voice, but because Jim Allister is such a relentless moron who despises the DUP and Sinn Féin, well, he’s perfect. That’s right, in his own little way, Jim Allister is perfect, he does his job perfectly. If you don’t believe me then get this, Jim Allister was the only one who held the Executive to account when it came out that Stormont spent three times the amount, per year, that Westminster spent on refreshments. He was the only one, the only fucking one who cared, at all.
So, if you ever get the pleasure of seeing Jim, perhaps instead of frowning because you disagree with certain political views that he has, maybe, just maybe, you could thank him for holding the Executive to account when nobody else can or will. Jim Allister, as a politician, isn’t capable of making life-changing reforms, but he does his job. Would you refuse your post if you found out the postman disagreed with same-sex marriage? I wouldn’t, he’s entitled to his view but it isn’t going to change the law and neither is Jim Allister, he’s harmlessly helpful.
See you tomorrow.
Marshall's Law 